Warhammer 40,000 Amateur Parapsychology, Part the first: The Space Marine Player

IMPORTANT NOTICE: PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS ENTRY AND SUBSEQUENT ENTERIES IN THIS SERIES DO NOT TARGET ANYBODY IN THE GROUP. DO NOT ASSUME OTHERWISE.

Figure 1. The Space Marine player

comes to terms with his choice of

army

The average space marine player houses within himself, deep and debilitating insecurities, rendered even more debilitating by the fact that he will never admit he has these insecurities.

Thusly, he chooses the most elite, mainstream 40k force avalible, the adeptus astartes or space marines in laymans terms. Because every space marine is a godlike super soldier (at least according to the 40k backstory) this allows for transference, the opportunity for the space marine player to imagine he would stand proudly amongst their ranks. However, when it comes to diagnosing the underlying motives for playing space marines, this is merely scratching the surface.

The majority of space marine chapters are based in Greco-Roman mythology and traditions. Thus, the space player who finds himself uncomfortable around those of differing racial background has many options for building his ideal army of Aryan Supermen.

Space marines are also depicted in the 40k backstory as being the principle enforcers of imperial law. Whenever a planet, or an imperial guard regiment says or does something the imperial cult dissaproves of, they merely send in the space marines to massacre everyone present. Thus, the space marines are a perfect choice for those with authoritarian personalities such as Soldiers, Police Officers and CEO's.

The 40K fluff also expressly forbids the possibility of a female becoming a space marine. An army consisting entirely of Greco-roman macho men brings the sexuality of the space marine player into question.

ON THE BATTLEFIELD

Nobody likes to lose a game, but nobody likes losing less than the space marine player. To this end, minmaxing is a very common trend in the space marine community. Some players will take this even further and choose their space marine chapter based entirely on their force organization options, ensuring that they don't have to waste anytime with tactical squads, scout squads or any other such riffraff. For those unfamiliar with 40K, I will list some of the more popular space marine chapters and the reasons for their popularity

Dark Angels- Can take either nigh-invulnerable terminators or space marines on bikes as troops

White Scars- Can take nigh-invulnerable space marines on bikes as troops

Blood Angels- Free insanely powerful assault units.

Black Templars- All units enraged, plethora of specialist assault troops, Huge squads

Space Wolves- Huge squads, Ungodly psychic powers, Unstoppable Robot walkers

Space Wolves 13th company-Werewolves

Despite these advantages, the space marine player remains unsatisfied, and many will go to unthinkable lengths to ensure victory. The Space Marine player will make absurd rationalizations, he will cite obscure black library novels in an attempt to convince his opponents that his troops should be able to do X for the purposes of accuracy. If he gets really desperate, he will merely state that ships located above the planet will destroy it as soon as the battle is over, thus allowing him to belive he has not really lost.

But it does not end there.......

For the most insecure and petty of space marine players, Games workshop was good enough to provide them with another list. A list that they themselves question the legitimacy of. This list is informally known as the movie marines list. And god help the poor sap who should go up against it. Movie Marines cost roughly 150 points per model. Seeing as the average game of warhammer 40,000 is played with an allotment of 1500 points per side, the movie marine player is left with somewhere between 6 and 12 models, which to the untrained observer may seem like some consolation.

It is not.

For the purpose of comparison, I will now list the statlines of the average human soldier (the Imperial Guardsman), the space marine, and the Movie Marine

WS BS S T W I A Ld Sv+

Imperial Guardsman 3 3 3 3 1 3 1 7 5+

Space Marine 4 4 4 4 1 4 1 10 3+

Movie Marine 6 6 6 6 2 6 3 10 3+

This may not seem like much on its own and its really not. However, this is just a taste of the soul crushing nastiness of the movie marine list. First, under normal circumstances, a model may make only one save which will cause them to take a wound if failed. The movie marine may reroll this save if it fails the first time. Secondly, certain weapons are so powerful that they negate all possibility of the wound being stopped by armor. This does not apply to movie marines, they may make their save irregardless of this. Finally, the movie marine may purchase up to 10 stunt doubles at pennies apiece. This means that even if the movie marine player fails both of their saves, a stunt double may be nominated to take the wound instead. This means that the movie marine can take anywhere from 3 to 10 mortal wounds before falling.

If you encounter a space marine player at a gaming store, do so with care. Unless you play Imperial guard in which case you will be able to drown them in men. If somebody approaches you with a movie marine army, punch them in the face. Even if you are permanently banned from the game store, or charged with assault, it will still be worth it.